Emotional Rubbernecking

Okay carrying that cross would be a lot easier if there were no interferences.

I wince at the questions from people who "have heard", questions that just require confirmation. And then there are others who, grappling themselves with the ripple effect, share information or interpretations of information. It is just so hard. My shoes feel leaden, my limbs stiff. You want me to keep carrying on?

Can't I just hide here in that muck, stand in the mire? If only ... so I look backward. What could I have done differently? Would praying for him have changed a thing? Would it have helped to keep him merely mortal in my mind - and therefore mindful of his vulnerability? Would prayers have made HIM more mindful? Would it have changed anything? How can someone's choices have such sweeping after shocks? There is so much hurt. Grief like an ancient forest impenetrable lays upon my heart. I don't want to ask these questions that hurl themselves upon my consciousness. I don't want answers. The who, what, why, where, when. I just want to pick up my cross and march confidently on.

I want to trust my God in all He has promised. I want to trust that in this, too, there are no surprises for my King. John 10:28 "I gave them real and eternal life. They are protected from the Destroyer for good. No one can steal them out of my hand." Where is the equivocation in that? Seems clear to me.

So keep me moving forward Lord. Keep me strong. Teach me to serve. Make me part of the healing.