Breaking the Rules

So, I broke the rules yesterday.

They were personal rules, so I won't go to jail or anything. But it sure feels great!

About two years ago I realized I had way too many unread books on my bookshelf. There really wasn't room for more. So, I decided instead of checking out new books or buying them, I would read only what is on my shelf until I had made some room. However, I didn't want to forget about books I would come across while nosily asking strangers what they are reading, or perusing BN.com. So I started to keep a list, authors, titles, subjects I wanted to read more about. The list is now three pages and growing steadily.

But today I broke the rules. I went and bought two books that had long been on my list. I need them.

What does He promise me.

John 15:4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me.

Most days I blithely slip on my shoes and go forth into the world completely unprepared. You know I can remember to drink my coffee, in fact I think I can't function until I have it. But He says "Remain in me, and I will remain in you." And I forget, or worse, I just don't. And I know all too clearly that I don't function well without Him. I pray here and there as the day goes on, I talk to him. But I haven't been listening to him too well.

It's all very messy right now.

Emotional Rubbernecking

Okay carrying that cross would be a lot easier if there were no interferences.

I wince at the questions from people who "have heard", questions that just require confirmation. And then there are others who, grappling themselves with the ripple effect, share information or interpretations of information. It is just so hard. My shoes feel leaden, my limbs stiff. You want me to keep carrying on?

Can't I just hide here in that muck, stand in the mire? If only ... so I look backward. What could I have done differently? Would praying for him have changed a thing? Would it have helped to keep him merely mortal in my mind - and therefore mindful of his vulnerability? Would prayers have made HIM more mindful? Would it have changed anything? How can someone's choices have such sweeping after shocks? There is so much hurt. Grief like an ancient forest impenetrable lays upon my heart. I don't want to ask these questions that hurl themselves upon my consciousness. I don't want answers. The who, what, why, where, when. I just want to pick up my cross and march confidently on.

I want to trust my God in all He has promised. I want to trust that in this, too, there are no surprises for my King. John 10:28 "I gave them real and eternal life. They are protected from the Destroyer for good. No one can steal them out of my hand." Where is the equivocation in that? Seems clear to me.

So keep me moving forward Lord. Keep me strong. Teach me to serve. Make me part of the healing.

It keeps running through my mind - "Take up your cross and follow me." And I see myself standing over the essence of my failures and short comings, standing in their muck, stuck in their mire, looking longingly backwards for a point in the distance where they weren't a part of my life. Thinking if I go back I could go on. Pointless.

"Take up your cross and follow me." I think I've not really heard those words right over the years. Because now I am thinking ... "Pick up that mess, now isn't the time to deal with it. Come along, we have work to do, that stuff will be sorted out along the way." It is a call to action. It is a call to focus away from ourselves. We can't go back. Staying put is a lousy option. But moving forward, even with the mess in tow, is the process by which we are healed.

Do we do what we are designed to do, or do what will give us the most means to make a comfortable living.

I grew up in a very affluent area of Phoenix, Arizona. My parents struggled to make ends meet while those around me apparently lacked nothing. While growing up there I felt the disparity acutely, but the reality of what was provided for me and real want was enormous. I just lacked the means of understanding the difference between needs and wants. I think most of us do. I would hazard the guess in fact, that if you have access to a computer and live in the U.S. the lack of real basic needs may not really be an issue.

But I digress. I saw first hand in the homes around me where divorce was prevalent and other traumas brought on, in part, in part by largesse were daily occurrences. I saw these and understood at some fundamental level that money did not buy security or happiness.

Fast forward through life and come to a place where I recognize finally that God is God and I am not. That basic understanding of wealth in terms of goods does not automatically translate into a life of contentment comes into play. How do I teach my children, in a world that values possession and position over honoring what we are designed by God to do, to listen to their talents and ignore the siren song of wealth for wealths sake alone.

These are sons afterall. Presumably the future breadwinners in the homes where my grand children will reside. Some one told me recently that I am being unrealistic. I don't think I am. I'd rather they have hearts for God, hearts to serve him in whatever capacity they are innately designed. I think that will be a life of greater abundance than just going for the gold.